The stories I never told
They may surprise you coming from me, but they won't coming from a woman.
When I was 13, one of my uncles, who was also my godfather, touched me up. I still remember everything about his living room, where we were sitting on the couch, the blue nightie with the little white flowers I was wearing because I was staying overnight and it was almost bedtime. He was someone I trusted fully, and I froze when he started touching me. I was pretty innocent at that age, hadn’t even been kissed by a boy yet. All I could think was that my aunt was in the kitchen painting easter eggs while he was doing something that she would probably not approve of. Eventually I got up and went to my room. Nothing else ever happened again, but needless to say, the trust was broken. I confronted him about it years later but he always made light of it, saying it was no big deal.
When I was 22 and traveling around the US, a friend and I went to the Bahamas for a few days. We had a lot to drink one night, and ended up at the house of two brothers we had met at a bar. I know, that was pretty dumb, but we were young and having a good time. At some point my friend left with one of them, and the other one started getting frisky. I liked him but was not interested in taking things further. He did not like that and became forceful. I tried to fight him off but he was strong. Thankfully, before things could go too far, his brother came back and stopped him, and then took me back to my hotel. This was definitely not a good situation I had put myself into, but no is still no.
When I was 35, I visited a friend in Nice, France. While she was at work, I went to a nearby beach. It was pretty empty and I settled down with a good book. After a while a man, who was maybe in his 50s, put his towel down next to me, and started commenting on my curvy figure in broken English. I moved my towel further away and tried to ignore him. I was annoyed to be honest, it was a lovely beach on a beautiful day, and I just wanted to enjoy it. As I kept reading my book, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I looked over and there he was, pants down, having a good old w*** while looking at me. I wanted to yell at him, laugh at him, or throw sand at him, but honestly? I was also a little scared at that point. So I gathered up my things and left.
I have never given these stories much weight. In each case, I was grateful that nothing worse happened. And these incidents did not keep me from falling in love and eventually marrying a wonderful man who treats me with nothing but love, kindness, and respect.
Just imagine, though. I kinda brushed these stories off, because… they are just part of being a woman? And boys will be boys? And men cannot be expected to resist temptation when a woman says no, or when simple decency and respect demand it?
Watching CNN’s latest investigation into a global online rape network, made me remember these stories. And realize that they are just the tip of an iceberg that is vast below the surface.
So many women have experiences like these, and much, much worse. Too many. Or, let me rephrase this, because the narrative matters:
Too many men assault and abuse women, and they fully expect to get away with it.
None of this is helped by having a president who brags about walking in on barely dressed teens at a pageant he owned, who cheated on his wife who had just given birth, who has been found liable for sexual abuse, who said on tape that “when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything ... Grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.” Oh, and he’s all over the Epstein files. And not just getting away with it all, but having Christian women fawning all over him.
I once chatted with one of my Christian neighbors, a woman, who sincerely believed that women are the root cause of all evil because Eve tempted Adam and that was the end of paradise.
But here is what I have also heard: that thousands of years ago we had matriarchies and that women ruled a world that was peaceful, abundant, and nourishing. Women were worshipped because they carried the babies that kept mankind going. Until one day, when a group of farmers observed a herd and realized that the bull also played an important role in procreation. Their egos blew up, they marched south to where the women ruled and so the control over women and the wars began.
I don’t know how to unravel thousands of years of misogony and violence towards women. But maybe we start by not electing known predators and abusers into positions of power.
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For a very powerful essay on this subject read Ally Hamilton’s Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.