Sugar is my gateway

Small steps, small successes.

This hazelnut ice cream at Granville Market in Vancouver (photo from 2019) instantly brought back memories from my childhood | Photo by Kerstin Martin

Sunday Scales: +1.4 lbs. I know some of that is water weight from eating pizza last night but there has also been a good amount of off-plan eating. It’s like I always say, my program works if I do it. Not so much if I don’t. But it’s ok. There is a lot going on right now and I am mostly focused on not bingeing or sugar-comatosing myself through the next few weeks. That in itself will be a success!

Speaking of sugar.

Yesterday was tough emotionally. Between my anxieties being on high alert and the exhaustion from juggling the move and busy days at work, all I wanted was ice cream and peanut butter cups. The mental bargaining began in my head… just let loose for the next two weeks until you’re all moved into the new house… I promised myself to stay off the sugar for four weeks, I can’t break that promise… it’s ok to make an exception… no, it’s not…

(So much for the peace in my head that abstaining from sugar normally gives me!)

My husband even said: “One small ice cream cone won’t hurt you, especially if it helps relieve some of that pressure.” He was right. One ice cream wouldn’t hurt me and it would have relieved the pressure, in that moment. But I knew it was only a small step from that one ice cream to a full-out binge.

“Sugar is my gateway.” I replied. “It will trigger the last-supper monster and then all bets are off. I just can’t do that.”

And so I didn’t.

I cast my thoughts forward a few weeks to when we’re more settled in our new home and how good I’ll feel for not having broken my promise to myself. I acknowledged that ultimately what I was after was RELIEF from my anxieties, from my thoughts. Sugar, for most of my life, has always given me that relief, that’s why it’s such a hard habit to break.

They say that changing habits and overcoming addictive behaviors is like building a new muscle and something that needs to be practiced. Yesterday I definitely trained that muscle!

Today I am feeling a little calmer. The hot weather has cooled down and autumn is not quite here yet but definitely in the air. We’re expecting a bit more heat next week but I think the worst of it is over. Autumn is my favorite season and I can’t wait to experience it at our new house. For all the overwhelm I am really looking forward to moving and to creating a cozy nest at Rose Cottage.

Have a lovely week,
Kerstin xo