My name is Kerstin. I am a Projector and I overcommit.

The bittersweet relief of changing our plans

Outtake from last year’s flight to Orcas Island.

Last week my husband and I decided to cancel our 3-week trip to Europe this summer. We have good reasons but what really struck me was how I felt after the initial disappointment over letting my friends and family down:

Relieved.

I hadn’t realized how much this trip had been stressing me until we said ‘let’s postpone it.’ It was like a big wave of calmness washing over me.

I will be completely honest here. I was not feeling physically up for long plane rides, lots of running around two countries, and sleeping badly in foreign beds. I rarely let my weight get in the way of living my life and I do still love traveling. But I am also getting older and the weight is affecting my stamina and mobility more than it used to. And instead of resisting it, I decided to surrender to it.

The surrender feels calm and peaceful.

Which was when I realized something else: I am giving myself space to rest this summer. From early May until late August we are expecting a lot of visitors, all of whom are energy givers and who I can’t wait to see. But now I also have alone time without anticipatory stress in between the visits and that feels so good. It means I can lean into our summer, which is usually stunning here in the Pacific Northwest, and I look forward to pottering around in our new garden, growing and eating my own veggies (!), going for bike rides along the sea, lots of al fresco journaling and, of course, going island hopping in Ginger.

We live in a Generator world, they are the doers and tend to have a lot more energy than us Projectors or Manifestors. It is easy to get swept away by that energy and try to keep up. What makes it hard is the paradox that we live with: on one hand us Projectors with our non-defined sacral centers need other people to energize us, but we also need plenty of alone space to slow down, breathe and recharge without constant stimulation. This is, for instance, why I love working in coffeeshops so much, I get a lot of energy from the people around me but because I don’t engage with anyone directly I can simply receive the energy and focus on what I am doing.

Looking back I can see how I’ve lived my whole life trying to balance this paradox, and how I often forced rest breaks in the form of sick days at work, or canceled trips. In fact, I have a bit of a reputation with my family to cancel visits and many times it’s because I overcommitted myself and needed to take a step back. Which no-one really understands and letting down people I love is always hard. In this case of course there were also other reasons for our decision but nonetheless, it’s a bittersweet surrender.

I am always learning and getting a clearer picture of what rest means to me as a Projector has been quite eye opening. Going forward I will pay more attention to what I put on my plate and how I plan things. Plus, this is also a good reminder of the value of good self-care and working on my stamina and fitness, so that this part is less of an issue when I plan future trips.

Are you a Projector or Manifestor? How do you handle this need for rest? Has learning about this aspect of your Human Design profile helped you?