I said hello to... something I never wanted to see again

December Reflections Day 14

Yep. I said hello to quite a few pounds that I had let go of a couple of years ago and, frankly, never wanted to see again. Yet I invited them back in, with defiant, open arms.

Given that this is not the first time this has happened it begs the question: why do I not want to let go of the weight for good? Because surely there is a reason beyond it’s too hard, or it’s the diet industry’s fault? What am I so afraid of when it comes to actually succeeding on this journey?

As I mulled this over I was reminded of a book written by a German therapist on the subject of weight loss that I read many, many years ago. She talks about the fear of being slim and how that is one of the main drivers of the familiar diet rollercoaster. She had an interesting list of possible reasons and I dug them out and translated them for you.

From Dr. Doris Wolf’s book Abnehmen und dabei genießen:

I have not lost weight in the past, or put it all back on, because…

1. I want to prove to others that they cannot control me.

2. I need my weight to get proof of my partner’s love (if he really loves me then he will accept me when I am fat).

3. Others will leave me if I have a beautiful body.

4. Apart from my weight my life is good. If I lose the weight then life is too ‘perfect’ and the other shoe will drop and something bad will happen.

5. I don’t know what to do with all that time and energy that I would have if I did not spend it on food and eating, or thinking about food and eating.

6. I don’t have the money to buy a new wardrobe.

7. I fear that I may jeopardise my relationship by feeling sexually attractive and being tempted to become unfaithful to my partner.

8. Men may view me as a sex object.

9. If I can no longer blame my weight then I have no more excuses for failures in my job, relationships, or life in general.

10. Then I can no longer blame rejection by others on my obesity.

11. I can punish and hurt others with my weight.

12. I want to show others that it really isn’t as easy to lose weight as they say it should be.

13. My weight is my ‘familar’, it gives me a sense of security and protection.

14. Then I don’t need to compete with other women/men.

15. My weight gives me the status of a person not to be overlooked.

16. I never want to be like … (a negative role model.)

17. My weight gives me an excuse not to interact socially.

18. As long as I can eat a lot I am not ill.

19. I can avoid unpleasant jobs and situations when I am eating.

20. I do not have to deal with other difficult personal issues and feelings as long as my main focus and concern is with my weight.

I resonate with #4 and #18. And I’d add to it: eating keeps me in my safe bubble and the world outside this bubble feels too scary and unsafe.

How about you? What do you relate to?

When I first read the book all those years ago I acknowledged many of the things I learned from it, and then put it back into my bookcase never to be looked at again. It can be helpful to unravel things from the end and I am glad that today’s prompt reminded me of this list!

Kerstin xo